An Accidental Divine Franchise

Honestly, dad — I have no clue why I said ‘I will make you fishers of men’

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asks him, “And you are ...?”

The Pope, emotional from this long-awaited magical moment, answers: “I... I am the Pope."

Saint Peter rifles through his thick black notebook for a while. Eventually he looks up and says, apologetically: "I’m sorry, son, I can’t find that name in the register. Could you tell me more about you?"

The Pope explains: "I was a good father of the Church on Earth, and now I am going to heaven, where the Lord and his Son, Jesus, await me.”

Saint Peter keeps flipping pages of the book back and forth, frowning harder each time.

The Pope is getting worried and adds nervously: "You must know me... the Pope. The leader of the Catholic Church. I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter shakes his head, a little irritated now: "A representative? God never mentioned hiring anyone down there!"
"I'm afraid this will require further investigation," he concludes, clicking the gate shut behind him.

He walks over to the Lord’s chambers.
“Sorry to wake you, boss,” he says, “but there’s a dude at the gate, he claims he’s your representative on Earth.”

God rubs his eyes after his afternoon nap. “Ah, Earth, yes...," he mutters absentmindedly. "Still there, is it?"
"But, erm, I don’t think I ever appointed anyone on that planet.”

Saint Peter goes on: "He insists you’re expecting him — and he even claims he knows Jesus. He says his name is Pop, but I cannot find it in the files..."

God frowns, obviously thinking very hard: "Pop? I don't recall anybody by that name... Wait, I'll ask Jesus."

God leans out of the door and yells to the hall: "Hey, Jesus?"
Nobody replies, so he raises his voice: "Jesus Christ — your dad’s calling you!"

Jesus shuffles into the room: "Yep, father, what's up?"

God and Saint Peter explain the situation.

Jesus, suddenly intrigued, says: "Wait, I'm going to have a little chat with that fellow."

In a few minutes he comes running back, laughing so hard he can barely speak. When he finally catches his breath, he exclaims: “Dad, you won’t believe this!"

"Remember that fishing club experiment we started two thousand years ago? — Well, it's still in business!”

Editor's note: The term “fishing club” refers to a recreational angling association called ἰχθύς (Ichthys), founded by a few Galilean fishermen shortly after year zero. According to Matthew, a freelance correspondent, the gang was cheered on by a charismatic local leader with messianic tendencies named Yeshua. Once, after a feast involving loaves of bread, fish, and quite a bit of wine, Yeshua reportedly uttered: “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Nobody knew what that meant, so the idea caught on and the club soon mission-creeped into theology, real estate, and global empire-building. Remarkably, it remains operational for over two millennia — a fact that continues to baffle historians and theologians alike. Club membership benefits include eternal salvation, ritual obligations, and regular donations.

Tomáš Fülöpp

Anderlecht, Belgium

June 8, 2005